Mutually Non Exclusive

Welcome back beloved reader.  Now that we have established what stock is, and how it gains value we are ready to talk about Mutual Funds.  As always this blog is for entertainment purposes and is not intended as investment advice.  Consult a licensed fiduciary adviser for more information.

Taking Stock of Your Holdings

Photo by  jeff pineau

Welcome back intrepid reader.  As promised, today we are going to discuss ways to make your idle assets work harder for you.  As always don't construe anything I am saying as financial advice.  I highly recommend you talk to a licensed expert before making any investment decisions.

To understand anything about investing you're going to need to have at least a basic understanding of the stock market.

The Magic of Inflation

Photo by keynesiandream

Welcome back loyal reader.  Did you know that your money is actively losing value even as you are reading this?  Every single liquid note you possess is losing a tiny smidgen of its purchasing power through the magic of inflation.  Yes even those sweaty singles hoarded under the mattress are leaking potency as we speak.

Sojourn across America

Photo by: Benjamin Golub

Welcome back savvy reader.  Today we join our anachronistic cave tribe as they travel across America.

Drawn from their native land of Denver by a swanky party invitation the Tribe of the Spirit of the Mastodon began their sojourn east.  Things started off slowly, they were just meandering by foot.  They would stop and camp for days to hunt and gather enough provisions to continue.  They chose their path based on livable terrain and favorable climate rather than the shortest route.  After several moons Betty lost her patience with this approach.  In the land of Wichita Betty pawned all of her gold jewelry.  Armed with a fistful of cash she opened a checking account, took out an auto loan and got this sojourn on the road.

Monty Makes Money Moves

Welcome back beloved reader.  Today we join Monty the Money Monkey on his road to redemption.  I remind the reader that Monty is currently in very dire straits.  Many of the tactics he uses would be detrimental to someone who was not already in bank hell.  Just because you see Monkey make a certain move doesn't mean it's the right move for you.

Monty is biking up the mountain to his home.  He's leaning into it, giving it everything he's got.  Maybe it's just because he is tensed up with all the exertion but he is looking fit.  He's got this determined grin, It's the closest I've ever seen to a smile on that frownie face.  I said I felt bad about calling his face frownie, and I do.  Not bad enough to stop doing it, but...bad.  As he ascends his driveway you notice the for sale sign in the yard. As he enters the house through the expansive garage  you notice that the fleet is missing, Monty is down to a single fancy car and the bike.  In Monty the Money Monkey's mansion many mementos are missing.  He still has that Italian leather sofa though, and he joins us on it now, to talk about some recent changes he has made.

Legend of the Leveraged Lifestyle

Welcome back loyal reader.  Today we join Monty the Money Monkey as he teaches us a lesson about living a flashy over-leveraged lifestyle.

Monty the Money Monkey likes to host big dinner parties where he can demonstrate how cultured he is.  He is having one such party tonight.  He's invited the entire cast.  TV Dr. Smarmypants arrives first because he is punctual and believes that event starting times are to be taken literally.  Barry the Banking Bison arrives next.  He lives in the neighborhood.  Larry the Lexicon Llama arrives with a bottle that is fancier than he ever will be.  He has a monkey crush on Monty.  Sharon the Oversharing Shark is coming for the food.  Monty knows how to set out a spread.  Colleen the Card Carrying Collie loves a good party.  Monty throws the best parties.

Monty's Monumental Mansion

Photo by Bikata

Welcome back beloved readers.  Today we join Monty the Money Monkey at his monumental mountain top mansion as he teaches us more about mortgages.

Imagine some gratuitous crib cinematography as an intro to this segment.  6 beds, 7 and a half bathrooms, 8k sq ft.  Modern architecture and efficient design nestled in a copse of mature trees with a  view.  It was the type of house that reminded you why people went to all the trouble to have money in the first place.  We join Monty the Money Monkey in his upscale living room with vaulted ceilings and south facing windows.  He is on his Italian leather sofa.  His posture is relaxed and his clothing is casual, but his expression still seems all business.  It's that resting frownie face.  "The most common path to home ownership is through a mortgage loan.  Even a creature of considerable means could not afford a house such as this without the ability to pay over time.  Most conventional mortgage loans are either 15 or 30 year terms.  Typically 15 year terms like mine will have lower interest rates and 30 year terms will have lower minimum payments."  We get it Monty, you're super rich.  Good for you.

Monty the Money Monkey's magnificent machine

Photo by Scott Ellison

Welcome back savvy reader.  Today we have Monty the Money Monkey with us to teach us more about term debt.

Monty the Money Monkey straightens his spectacles and tugs his lapels down smooth.  He sits behind a desk carved from the heart of an ancient mahogany world tree.  Something about his monkey beard makes him appear super wise.  He has resting frownie face syndrome, I can't tell if he is disappointed or deep in thought.  "With a Term loan the applicant gets all the money up front and pays the bank back over a fixed term.  Used in this sense term refers to the length of the loan.  For example the term on my car loan is 3 years.  This means that if I pay exactly the minimum payment amount on exactly the due date each month the math works out for the car to be paid off in 3 years."

Revolving vs Term

Photo by philokazaki

Welcome back loyal reader.  Today we join Larry the Lexicon Llama from the cockpit of his helicopter.

Larry is wearing a helicopter helmet and aviators.  He is sitting in an office chair and holding a joystick.  An obviously green screened background of an American city firmly establishes the illusion that Larry is in a real helicopter cockpit.  "Hi, Larry the Lexicon Llama here to teach you about two new financial terms.  These are words that we have heard before, but when we are talking about money they take on a different meaning.  First lets talk about revolving credit.  These helicopter blades are revolving at 672 feet per second*.  In this definition revolving means to rotate around a central axis."  Larry holds up a credit card up next to his face. "This credit card gives me access to revolving credit.  In this definition revolving means that as I pay back the money I owe on the card the money becomes available for me to spend again."

Colleen's Credit Calamity

by Sam10060

Colleen the Card Carrying Collie's mother never explained credit cards to her.  She just said they were "bad".  This was also the word they used to describe mama's credit when they turned her down for her dream job.  They cited the same reason when they told her she couldn't have the house that she wanted, the one with the big yard.  Colleen saw how many houses there were up on that hill and realized that every single person up there got told yes.  What were the hill folk doing differently?  For one thing none of them were paying with cash at the register.  None of them were being forced to put some of their groceries back like Mama had to sometimes.

Half a day in the full life of Colleen

Welcome back enlightened reader.  Now that we have established that credit and debit have an irresponsible number of disparate definitions we are going to illustrate the differences by joining Colleen the Card Carrying Collie on a typical day in her busy life.

Launching Larry the Lexicon Llama

Today we are here with Larry the Lexicon Llama and he is here to teach us a lexicon of banking terms.  Building up your financial vocabulary is key to understanding many of the more advanced topics we are going to discuss down the road.

Legitimate Ladder out of the Abyss

Welcome back intrepid readers.  Now that we have firmly established that there is no reason a financially successful person would ever logically resort to doing crimes lets explore some better options to escape the endless expanse of the financial abyss.

Crime doesn't pay

Hello patient readers.  I'm sure you are all upset about the shocking and extremely realistic hard crimes street living post preceding this post.  What's that you say?  You're actually upset that I wasn't giving you enough practical advice on how to do crimes.  The most practical advice I can give you is don't do crimes.  Not just because of ethics and common human decency, but more importantly because it is the worst financial move you could ever make.

How Charlie got his groove back

Welcome back beloved readers.  I know you have enjoyed watching Charlie's descent into the financial Abyss (you sadistic voyeur you). Prepare yourselves for the next chapter of Charlie's hard sojourn back to the material plane. 

Spiral into the Abyss

Welcome back courageous viewers!  Today we join our host TV Dr. Smarmypants as he guides us through the lower circles of bank hell.  TV Dr. Smarmypants sits in his fire lounge blowing smoke rings.

Charlie's descent into bank hell

Welcome back loyal viewers.  Today we join TV Dr. Smarmypants in the bowels of the first circle of bank hell.  Charlie has already joined us here.  Welcome to Hell Charlie.

Overdraft Fees. The silent Killer.

Welcome back beloved viewers.  In today's episode TV Dr. Smarmypants will explore the vicious world of the Overdraft Fee.

Fireside in the lounge chair, pipe in mouth, glass in hand.  TV Dr. Smarmypants peers over his glasses at Charlie's bank statements with a slight frown and furrowed brow.  He looks up and pretends like he is just noticing that you entered the room.

"Oh, hi there.  I didn't see you come in.  Let's see how young Charlie is keeping up with his new checking account shall we?"  He waves you over and the camera zooms in on the statement.  Different points at which the account had a negative balance are rapidly displayed with dramatic action smash sound effects accompanying them.

Monthly Service Fees and how to avoid them

"Welcome back intrepid viewer!  Today we are going to learn all about monthly service fees.  What they are, why they are charged and most importantly how to not get charged this type of avoidable fee."  TV Dr. Smarmypants is hunched down behind the trash cans at Charlie's house.  It's dark outside.  All the lights are off in the house.  TV Dr. Smarmypants creeps up towards the house, but pauses to stand in the spot light created by a street lamp and address the audience dramatically.

TV Dr. Smarmypants explains fees to lazy Americans

Black and White film with 50s era projector reel technology.  White announcer guy who is clearly an actor trying to look like a Doctor.  His voice is pleasantly paternal and condescending AF.  His face can't help but appear justifiably smug.  Are you imagining him with a pipe?  I didn't say he has a pipe.*