TV Dr. Smarmypants explains fees to lazy Americans

Black and White film with 50s era projector reel technology.  White announcer guy who is clearly an actor trying to look like a Doctor.  His voice is pleasantly paternal and condescending AF.  His face can't help but appear justifiably smug.  Are you imagining him with a pipe?  I didn't say he has a pipe.*


"But why DID Charlie leave the $500 in his savings account as mentioned in the previous article?  Is this linked to the fact that Charlie's monthly rent payment is also $500?"  TV Dr. Smarmypants stands up from rooting in Chuck's trash and holds up his chili covered checking account statement.

"Charlie didn't even realize how smart that decision was" he assumed condescendingly.  TV Dr. Smarmypants dramatically turns to the next page of Charlie's combined statement to reveal his savings account information.  He inspects the document with more care than Charlie ever did.  While TV Dr. Smarmypants is reading the document his finger is touching the chili chunk on the paper but he doesn't seem to mind.  He is just googley eyed smiling like a gob nobbing pod person.

"Little does Charlie know that his savings account has a minimum daily balance."  Zoom in on the fine print that discloses the conditions to avoid the monthly service fee.  TV Dr. Smarmypants shakes his head sadly as he lights his pipe.  I knew that guy had a pipe.

"Remember to shred your documents kids."  He says like you weren't already getting online statements to prevent just such an occurrence.  Way to save a tree.  Go you.


TV Dr. Smarmypants continues "If you are like most adult humans you are aware that fees exist but you have done absolutely nothing to research the parameters of when or why they occur.  Due to your complete ignorance on the subject you may think that it is unfair that banks charge fees in the first place.  After all, who are THEY to charge you for the services that they provide?  The often overlooked truth is that you are getting a lot of value from your relationship with the bank.  Isn't the more amazing fact that you can completely avoid paying for many of these services if you make smart choices?"

"We hope you enjoyed your time at Wonder World Land.  We are happy to inform you that we are going to refund your ticket prices because you rode all of the rides in the most efficient order which unlocked a bonus achievement.  Just kidding we invested all the money we made off of you last year and it will make us all very rich for a very long time.  We actually owe you money now.  Until you factor in lodging and meals of course.  You're welcome Sharon." Takes a stern draw on his pipe and stares out from under his disapproving eyebrows.

"All hyperbole aside fees are a very important subject that novices to the financial world often overlook.  Ultimately it is your personal responsibility to know what fees are on your account.  The bank is required to give you the disclosure.  It's up to you to read it.  Obviously you can read if you can hear me right now."  Raises eyebrow as the camera zooms in uncomfortably close.

"You choose the bank, you choose the account, you choose the type of transactions you make,  If you make smart choices you can avoid many fees.  If you make foolish choices the fees will devour what little wealth you have in transactions that grant you no marginal utility.  You can't win a game if you don't know the rules.  Read the rule book.  Read the disclosures. "  TV Dr. Smarmypants crosses his arms and gives you a tough guy stare.  For some weird reason he is all smiles again as soon as he turns to camera 2 and resumes his googley eyed pod person routine.

 "I can only imagine that you will completely ignore my advice to educate yourself on this topic and thus in my supreme magnanimity I will condescend to explain some common financial fees to you in an upcoming mini series called TV Dr. Smarmypants explains fees to lazy Americans.  If you live in some other country this may not be as applicable to you.  So you should probably move to America.  That would be easier than learning a whole different set of fees that apply to your country of origin."  He opens his arms wide as if he is personally welcoming any and all terrestrial aliens as they first come to America.  He smiles with his mouth...but not with his eyes.

Tune in next week for the next installment of TV Dr. Smarmypants explains fees to lazy Americans.  In our next episode TV Dr. Smarmypants will return to Charlie's house to teach us more about common financial fees.

*I didn't say he didn't have a pipe either.