Monty is biking up the mountain to his home. He's leaning into it, giving it everything he's got. Maybe it's just because he is tensed up with all the exertion but he is looking fit. He's got this determined grin, It's the closest I've ever seen to a smile on that frownie face. I said I felt bad about calling his face frownie, and I do. Not bad enough to stop doing it, but...bad. As he ascends his driveway you notice the for sale sign in the yard. As he enters the house through the expansive garage you notice that the fleet is missing, Monty is down to a single fancy car and the bike. In Monty the Money Monkey's mansion many mementos are missing. He still has that Italian leather sofa though, and he joins us on it now, to talk about some recent changes he has made.
"Thank you for agreeing to come up here today. I wanted everyone to know that this fabulous home was up for sale. So I'm telling you and Sharon about it, I figure everyone else will find out soon enough." Monkey flipper is grinning at me as he says this. Is he casting shade from that banana tree? Just for that I'm not going to air any of that footage about Monty painstakingly describing how awesome his fancy house is. Everyone already knows how awesome Monty's fancy house is, they've been to the parties. It seriously is awesome though, and I wish this blog was doing a lot better right now so that I could afford to buy it. I would throw parties for all of my readers in it. Well I mean at least some of the more interesting ones.
So after Monty the Money Monkey finishes painstakingly describing every nuance of his fancy mansion he gets to the interesting story. Admit it, you all love to see a spectacular fall from grace. I wanted to know just how far he had fallen. "It was embarrassing for everyone to know how far things had slid, but it was really the wake up call I needed. After everyone knew my money business all the pressure to keep spending disappeared. The appearance was already shattered, so I could focus on making some big lifestyle changes to get my finances back on track. Most importantly I needed to not default on the mortgage. If you have a mortgage this should be your first financial priority. Keep your home. Or in my case, I wanted to at least lose it on my own terms." Monty has got this crafty gleam in his eyes, and the start of some little mustache sprouts that look adorably mischievous. "My first move was a desperate one, I drew money out of my second mortgage to pay for my first. By second mortgage I mean Home Equity Line of Credit AKA HELOC. A HELOC is revolving debt that tends to have a low interest rate due to the valuable collateral of a home securing the contract. It has a variable interest rate that fluctuates with the Prime Rate. The minimum monthly payments are generally related to the amount of interest that accrued over the last month. The minimum monthly payments are quite low, and if I were to only pay the minimum it would take an eternity to pay off the balance. At the end of the day I was just moving that banana from one tree to the other, but it is buying me some time to downsize into a more economically efficient dwelling.
Monty the Money Monkey continues "I sold off everything that was actively costing me money first. All the cars I never drove, the boats, the yacht, the jet, the motorcycles, the house in the keys, my ex-wife. Wait, to be clear I didn't sell my X, I just stopped paying her blackmail money. I just was thinking of monthly expenses that were disappearing. So it's just a matter of time before that cat gets out of the bag. One can only hope that when the next big secret about me comes out it turns out as well as this first one did." It doesn't look like he believes himself. It doesn't look like he's going to let that stop him either. "So anyway I knew what my biggest expense was. The money pit obviously. After I put the house up for sale I realized I had filled it with way too much stuff to fit into the reasonably sized house I want to move into. I realized that my fancy house was basically just an overpriced warehouse for all this junk. This junk that I thought was already bought and paid for was actually costing me an astronomical amount each month. It had to go."
Monty goes to get a drink, as he opens the fridge door you notice that his groceries aren't coming from Overpriced Boutique Mart and Emporium anymore. "I changed every aspect of my life really. When I started eating cheaper I actually started eating healthier too. I cut out all of the pre-processed suspiciously edible non food substances. I eat in more so I can really control what is going into my diet. I found cheaper ways to buy the same things that I've always enjoyed. I stopped spending on the things that I was doing out of habit that I didn't really enjoy anymore. I only take the car out for long distances so I'm biking a lot more now. I started making the changes for the money, but I realized that the true benefits were much deeper than that. These changes were making my life better. I was becoming happier." And for the first time in the history of the world Monty the Money Monkey gives the camera a genuine smile.
After Monty told his tale I told him that I was a bit disappointed that he didn't have a more salacious story about his personal finances. He told me to go do a back-flip off of his balcony. I opted to leave through the door instead.
While I'm driving down the mountain, before I can even get back to my office to post this, Monty is uploading the video he made where he was painstakingly describing how awesome his home is. He was filming himself with the security cameras the whole time. Crafty primate basically got me to do his lighting for free.
After that video hits the interwebs Monty attracts some out of town buyers and before you know it the house sells. It only takes about three months. Three months of Monty robbing Peter to pay Paul with his HELOC. When the house sells though all his problems are solved. He pays off both mortgages and uses the rest of the proceeds to make a down-payment on a sleek efficient dwelling.
Throughout all of these major lifestyle adjustments Monty gets so gob nobbing healthy and happy that his banana business starts booming, Monty doesn't inflate his lifestyle back up though, instead he starts building a portfolio of passive income. They used to call him the Money Monkey because he looked rich. Now they call him Monty the Money Monkey because he was actually rich. I gotta give it to you Monty, that mustache is really filling in nicely. It looks good on you. By the time you grow a beard you should have time to grow a mustache too.* That's just good multi-tasking.
When I first saw him driving that flipping car I thought I would never be more jealous of him. Monty loves to prove people wrong. Especially after that debate I had with Monty about people being the most intelligent primate. That's just a scientific fact.
*If you don't get the joke I'm making about mustaches then you need to read Mr Money Mustache's blog at mrmoneymustache.com
His blog inspired me to start my own. His simple wisdom about frugality helped me to manage my personal finances better. I dig his engaging writing style and give him props on using a bunch of math to back everything up. He's a naturalized American hero because of his respect for the planet. Read his blog.
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